Heaven and Faith

Today is the day I've been mentally noting on the calendar for just about a week now. It seems so funny, so fitting, in some way beautiful, how God works. Today is another Wednesday, but not just any Wednesday. Today is Wednesday the 23rd, just as it was 6 months ago when I met my precious second son and held his little body for 4 amazing hours. It is also a Wednesday unlike any other... today also marks the halfway point of this third beautiful pregnancy. It's sorrow mixed with joy... it's sadness intermingled with hope... it's an intense love for all of my children... but mostly it is faith. Faith in our Creator, faith in His plan, and faith that His ways are always higher than my own.

As I made breakfast this morning for our temporary family of 5, Dusty returned from the store grasping a beautiful bouquet of a dozen roses. I looked at his face and could tell he knew this day would hurt just a little more. With tears streaming down my face he held me as I cried. This morning, and even now as I write, they are tears of great love, a great sense of loss, hurting and grief... but they are also tears that are filled with purpose and thankfulness. Dusty & I talked last night about Maddox's purpose here and how his story- God's story- has spoken to so many; about how incredibly grateful we are that we get to have such a major role in seeing God's hand move and know without a doubt all of it is His will. As Priscilla Shirer recently said, there is no better place to be than in the middle of God's will, even if it is walking through the wilderness. Praise God that we are not deep in that wilderness anymore. Praise God that He continues to restore our hearts, our lives, and fill us with an understanding of Maddox's purpose here. Praise God that he has given us the ability to put all our trust, all of our faith in Him...

And so today, with a somewhat raw heart grieving over Maddox and yet rejoicing over the life of this new baby, we continue in hope. We continue in purpose... in prayer... in trusting God's plan. We also continue in faith. And with faith... our new baby Faith Clare.

This seemed fitting today as I was studying my Bible- a day of Heaven and of Faith.

"We live by faith, not by sight. We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord. So we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it."- 2 Corinthians 5:7-9

July 19th- 6 Years Ago...

On July 19th, 2002, I married my best friend! I married a man of wisdom, dedication, loyalty, humor, protection, provision, integrity, love and a fear of the Lord. I could never have imagined where God's lead would take us these last 6 years, and I have no idea where He will lead us into the future... but I am so thankful to be walking this road of life with a man that also believes in the promises of the Only God that can fulfill them. He is truly the Only One who can fill us up! Thank you Dusty for allowing God to lead you in being my love, my strength, my rock, my friend, my confidant, my children's father and my sweet, daily reminder of His precious love.

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."- 1 Corinthians 13:13

Deeper Still: A Divine Appointment Indeed

Below is the beautiful story, told by Emily (Miller Grace's mom), about our time in Atlanta and just a few of the amazing things that took place there. I am so thankful for Emily writing it and LifeWay Women's Ministry posting our story... GOD'S STORY... on their main blog. This is the reposted entry below... Amazing!

Deeper Still: A Divine Appointment Indeed

By the time I pulled into the dark parking lot of the hotel at nearly 1:00 a.m., I was spent. I had been trying to get there for what seemed like forever. My heart was pounding and my mind was racing as I handed my keys to the man at the valet desk and made my way to Room 112. Heavier than either the bag on my shoulder or the box of t-shirts in my arms was the need to look into the eyes that were awaiting me, to fall into the arms it had taken me so long to reach. I wondered if I would cry. I thought I might laugh. But when the door slowly opened, I did neither. There, in that little room, were six of the best friends I will ever have. As I hugged them one by one, I began to wonder if that is what Heaven might be like. Our babies are already there, after all, so we have each spent a great deal of time trying to imagine how our eternal home will be. There in that simple hotel room in Atlanta, in the middle of that June night, I believe we were given just a glimpse.

We stayed awake, chatting in our pajamas like old friends instead of women who had just met until our eyes finally closed. Sweet Kenzie fell asleep before the rest of us, as her body is working hard as the Lord knits her third child together in her womb. What a blessed little girl that will be to have one big brother in the world and one big brother in Heaven. Sweet Maddox was born in January and opened his eyes to gaze upon his earthly father just before he closed them and saw his Heavenly One. In a moment, he changed more lives than most people do in many years. We slept in the next morning, and then made our way down to Starbucks to continue our conversations over the very comfort foods (and beverages, of course) that have helped to sustain our broken hearts this year. Just to sit all together at one table instead of in separate drive-thru's scattered all across the country was a miracle and a joy to behold!

That afternoon, we pulled the brown t-shirts I had carried in the night before over our heads and everything changed. Like soldiers dressed for battle, we headed to the airport to gather one more sister before we went to worship together at Deeper Still: The Event. Just four weeks before Karen stepped off that plane, her precious baby boy Jacob Ryan had left his earthly father's arms for his Heavenly Father's hands. Her third son, he had lived a miraculous 138 days in this world as a Trisomy 18 miracle. It was only fitting that Yvette was waiting there to meet her, too. Her third son, Tristan Asher, was the only other one of the babies represented that weekend who had made it home from the hospital. He, too, was a Trisomy 18 miracle and spent an incredible 56 days under our sun before he, too, found complete healing at home in Heaven. When we rejoined our group, I had the privilege of introducing my sweet new friend to every one in the group and one more special grieving mother, our friend Kirsten. By God's divine intervention, that California girl was also in Atlanta and she needed to look into eyes and be embraced by arms who understand just as much as any of us. Her first baby girl, Chloe Faith, was born into the arms of Jesus in April and changed her life forever. Meeting for the first time was such an unnecessary charade. We knew each other by heart.

Kim and I share the bond of being Kentucky girls. Atlanta wasn't our first meeting. I met her for the first time just days after she was given the incredible honor of holding her third daughter, the beautiful Mary Grace, for seven sacred hours. As long as I live, I will never forget how it felt to see that tiny white casket covered in roses resting silently at the front of all those pews. I knew I was standing on holy ground. It had only been six months since my husband and I had endured that impossible task. It was an unspeakable honor to finally embrace the woman I had prayed so fervently for. It broke my heart to know that she, too, understood the pain of standing with an empty, still womb before a tiny casket that held the treasure she had cherished for so long. And yet, even then, she and I knew that the Lord was working. His plan was bigger than we knew. As we exchanged glances and laughter over that lunch table with seven other women who knew the same secret in Atlanta, we believed it more than ever.

I never dreamed when I held my sweet Miller Grace and sang to her until the angels carried her home on the morning of June 28 last year that I would even be standing one year later, much less standing and worshiping our Maker with the mothers of her best friends in Heaven! The two days we spent together with our arms raised high in praise to our Lord, with the names and life spans of our babies written on our backs, were simply too sacred for words. Try as I might, I could never capture the sanctity of such a divine appointment. We shared everything from snacks to tears as Priscilla reminded us that even the Israelites endured a time of wilderness before they were able to stand on the mountain of God. We wept as we watched her throw her elbow in the air, portraying to us how a mother eagle will offer a wing to her little ones when she realizes they cannot fly on their own. We swallowed hard and nodded when she said the Lord will do the same for us. We sat still while our hearts were absolutely moved as Kay Arthur challenged us to open our eyes and see the state of our nation for what it is. We took it to heart when she called us to action. When we sat on the sidewalk to eat our boxed lunches together, we were more determined than ever to make the most of the moments we are given in this world.

We held our breaths as Beth Moore took the stage. She has played such a crucial role in so many of our lives during this season. When she said she felt moved to offer a time of prayer before she spoke, we needed it more than anyone. When we found the strength and the joy we needed to return to our seats, we were thirsty for a Word and she did not disappoint. Grief has a way of making a girl desperate for relief and sweet Beth reminded us that Jesus is the One and Only Deliverer. By the time the praise band took the stage again, our group of eight from all walks of life and all corners of the nation couldn't help but lock hands in the air. I think I will always count those moments I spent with my left hand in Karen's and my right hand in my dear friend Chrissy's among the sweetest I have known. Chrissy and I share the special bond of having held little dark haired girls for five days before they breathed their last against our chests. There is not a doubt in my mind that Eva Janette, Miller Grace, and all their precious friends were worshipping right alongside us that day.

As the event came to a close, our adventure reached its climax. We filed into a small vacant room backstage, and absolutely could not believe it when Beth Moore and her own baby girl followed us in. I can speak for all of us when I say we would give just about anything to have video footage of those moments to watch over and over again on hard days. With all the intensity of a woman on fire for God and all the love of a mother with a heart broken for us, she called us to our knees. As she, her daughter Amanda, and our dear new friend Michelle walked around us and laid their beautiful hands on us, Beth offered up the most beautiful prayer to our Lord that my ears have ever heard. She was undaunted as the sound of our sobbing and the presence of our Lord filled the room. She continued to petition God on our behalf, to ask Him to be glorified in our lives, to make Satan sorry he ever messed with us, to bring healing here and to transform our ashes into beauty. Though I doubt she knew it, Beth Moore instilled in us that day a courage to pray boldly to our Lord, a hope that beauty is indeed on its way even when ashes are all we can see, and a peace that comes only in knowing that His plan is still to prosper us and not to harm us, to give us hope and a future.

I will never forget standing there with one of my hands on the back of Beth Moore and my eyes on the seven women who held my heart, there on the very day on the calendar that my girl finally received healing one year before. June 28th is a day of redemption indeed. I will forever be moved to envision in my mind, again and again and again, how Beth embraced our sweet friend Kristy that day. She is perhaps the most faithful of us all, as she is the mother of two little boys in Heaven. Kristy and I share the bond of being mothers to little ones whose neurological conditions cannot be named or explained, while the rest of our friends' little ones share the commonality of having been diagnosed with Trisomy 18 prior to birth or soon thereafter. Kristy's second son, Isaac Matthew, would be three this year and Asher Joseph, her fourth son, joined his brother just four months ago. To listen as she told Beth her one prayer request in all of this is that the Lord would be glorified somehow spoke volumes to our broken hearts. Only God.

Overwhelmed by His goodness, resting in His grace, we did what all smart women do: we went to the Mexican restaurant! It was then that I finally had the chance to really talk with Angie, the mother of precious Poppy Joy. Her blog was the first one I had dared to read during those first months after Miller Grace left us. I will never forget praying for that beautiful baby girl while she was in Angie's womb, then marveling over her beauty and the joy that filled her pictures that day in December. When I read of her arrival, the beautiful three hours she spent with her family, and her gentle passing all in one post, I realized for the first time that I was not alone. And I began to suspect the Lord was up to something wonderful. As we sat there, changed women knitted together by sorrow and grace, that Saturday afternoon in Atlanta, it was confirmed. He is absolutely on the move.

The Lord does not always work in ways we expect and sometimes, He works in ways that break our hearts. But He is still good and He is still worthy of our praise. No matter the heartache, the joy will always outweigh the sorrow in the end. The weeping may last for a night - or a year - but the joy is on its way. We may be wandering in the wilderness tonight, but we can rest assured that we are on our way to the Promised Land. We cannot afford to waste a single moment that we are given. Little babies that lived six days, five days, three hours, seven hours, one moment, fifty-six days, thirty-five minutes, five days, and one hundred thirty-eight days came to remind us to live each breath to its fullest. Their tiny footprints are big shoes to fill we know, but it is our heart cry and our sincerest prayer that the Lord might use their little legacies and our lives to challenge you to do the same.

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."- Psalm 139:13-16

Olympic Exchange

As hundreds of US athletes begin final preparations in anticipation of travelling to Beijing, China for the Summer Olympics, we too are making final preparations for a little exchange of our own. With 22 days left before the opening ceremonies, tomorrow we will be receiving two Chinese exchange students to our home for 3 weeks. Nope... we're not crazy and we're not the only ones. There are 255 students arriving from Chengdu (in the Sichuan Provence in China) over the next three days (starting today) to be staying with 148 different host families from Second Baptist Church.

We are thrilled to have the opportunity to help our two 16-year-old girls perfect their English skills, take them to school and on field trips, teach them about the American family life and culture, and most importantly, introduce them to Jesus Christ. As we are well aware, it's not what we say about Christ and all of the wonderful things He has done for each of us, but instead it only demonstrated through living it. Our daily witness- our interactions with them, with each other, with friends, and how we parent Deacon- will speak volumes. Please pray that in every aspect it will be positive, uplifting, encouraging, full of love and full of grace. We are part of the body of Christ... and we are asking you to pray that we will allow His love to shine through us that they might clearly see the Truth. "And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit..." Ephesians 1:13

Dusty and I both feel very strongly about doing this, especially because an opportunity similar to this was provided to me when I was just 17. No it wasn't 3 weeks... it was an entire year; however, I know how critical the "home experience" and the family you are placed with is while on an adventure of this magnitude. My family during that year in Chile was absolutely amazing and I am so grateful. This is just a small way to pay it forward to someone else... Praise the Lord for this opportunity!

Please pray for our family and all the other families hosting these students over the next several weeks. Please pray for their safe arrival and time here, for their hearts to be softened to hear the Gospel, and for this time to absolutely change their lives. As always, we covet your prayers! THANK YOU!

"We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a NEW LIFE."- Romans 6:4

Colorado Escape

Our "Colorado escape" was an awesome trip with my immediate and extended family and I am incredibly thankful... God was SO abundantly evident! To be totally honest, I was really worried about this trip before we left... not due to possible family conflicts or that Dusty had to leave early... but because it was the first major event that was planned for our whole family after I found out I was pregnant with Maddox. So exciting in the beginning and then so devastating after the diagnosis... So much has changed, and yet God continues to be present each step of the way.

Everything was booked and ready to go at the end of August last year and we couldn't wait for the big trip!... Then as the end of September came, the thought of this getaway vacation was excruciating. As we began to come to terms with everything about Maddox the trip quickly moved from the painful forefront to a very remote part of my mind.

We made it through many months without giving much thought to the trip, however, as we settled into March and April of this year, I really started getting panicky when I thought about this escape. My parents booked us our own cabin and put my sisters' families together because we were supposed to have a 4-month-old with us on the trip. As we got closer and closer to leaving, and I was getting more anxious, I finally asked my sister Morgan (with her husband and 2 kids) if she would switch places with us. Of course they thought it was great! I only told my parents that I was sick over the thought of going and being in a cabin by ourselves. Thankfully by the time we arrived to Colorado in the afternoon of the 4th, my heart was finally calm. Thank you Lord for answering such specific prayers! He knows just what He is doing!

Below are just a few of the many pictures taken during our 8 day trip to Colorado. It was absolutely amazing as we spent virtually no time in Denver and went straight to the Diamond J Ranch in Meredith, CO (located about 1 1/2 hours/40 miles from Aspen). Breathtaking country and a wonderful place for us to talk to Deacon specifically about God's Creation!

"Neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."- Romans 8:39

THE Trip

Deacon and I traveled to Atlanta on Monday (the 23rd) to find our sweet Ita (Deacon's grammy)waiting for us at the massive and chaotic Atlanta airport. We grabbed our bags and some ice cream and headed to the car for the 3ish hour drive to Greenville, SC. During those hours Dusty's mom and I were blessed with some time to talk with few interruptions, hearing only the occasional "yeOW KeCHOW" or "the checkered flag is mine" from the backseat. We discussed everything under the sun, from mundane, everyday events, to the losses that we have both experienced and walked closely with one another through these past several years. Alma has been a beautiful example of the faith that we should always place in Jesus Christ... alone. I remember watching her during her loss (all of our loss) and thinking I could never be that strong or dependant on the Lord in everything. I had no idea that 3 1/2 years later my faith would be challenged in such a way and yet, that I would only know one way to walk it.... Thankfully, she had already modeled it for me and I continue to stand amazed at her strength.
We arrived in Greenville late Monday night to my sweet friend Christa's house. We were SO excited to see each other as several months had passed since our last "goodbye" in Katy while their house was being packed away. How wonderful it was to see her sweet face and hug her!
We spent three awesome days with Christa, Charles and precious Audrey. We played outside, explored their backyard bamboo forest, walked by a stream with flowers and hiking sticks (exciting stuff for 2 year olds!), went to the zoo, ate awesome food cooked by the famous Chef Christa, and just wore ourselves out talking. It was such a blessing to see their new home, see their smiling faces and walk away knowing better how to pray for this family that we love so much! By Thursday morning, Deacon, Ita and I all settled back into the car for the drive back to Atlanta. Deacon was getting excited for his second part of the trip with Ita and I was getting excited about my second half of the trip too... the trip to see the girls I have "known" for so long and yet never seen face to face (except my sweet Kim!).

I arrived at our hotel to see Yvette, Trayc and the boys coming out of the doors to greet us. It was amazing as we hugged and instantly everything just felt right. I knew it was going to be a wonderful weekend of deepened friendships and lasting memories.

A short time later Yvette and I hopped on a shuttle to wait for each of our friends at the airport. I anxiously awaited each arrival, so excited to hug and love these girls that have meant so much to my journey. Chrissy and Kristy arrived first, then Angie, and then Kim. Much later that evening Emily arrived and the next afternoon Karen's flight finally landed.

It was absolutely amazing to see each of the girls face to face. We all commented on what seemed to be just as we pictured and other things that seemed very different than we had imagined. Each moment was amazing as we talked openly and honestly about our babies, the time they spent with us, they way the Lord has brought each of us through, and how He has brought all of us together. We also were blessed to spend a short time with Kirsten, who also lost a baby recently. For those intimate moments we were 9 women standing together, united in Christ and in our common circumstances. The beautiful thing that I instantly recognized in each of us was that through the grief and pain, each of us were still able to laugh, rejoice, and praise God... maybe a little like the Proverbs 31 woman.

Friday evening and all day Saturday we spent at the Deeper Still Conference. In wearing our own Tshirts that linked us together as united women, we each represented our own child/children that are now with the Lord. It was an incredible opportunity to give witness to the faithfulness and power of Christ. We were each stopped numerous times to ask about our shirts and, often through the tears, we were able to stand by each other and simply nod in agreement as someone described the beauty of us being together for the first time while our children in Heaven are also together. The speakers (Priscilla Shirer, Kay Arthur, Beth Moore), the worship (Travis Cottrell & worship team, Mandisa), the blessed company... everything was perfect. Probably the most impactful of everything I heard during the two days was Ms. Priscilla speaking of God using the Israelites in their wilderness period (Exodus 19). She spoke regarding how although "the wilderness" is uncomfortable and nothing we would ever ask for ourselves, our Father uses us, molds us and blesses us in those times. Amazing how He can speak to us so personally with 19,000 other people listening too.

The worship... I honestly can't even describe the feeling I had during praise & worship as I raised my arms and praised God with these incredible women that have truly "carried the mat" (Luke 5:17-20). With tears steaming down my face, my eyes closed and my hands high in the air, I could only imagine what a beautiful sight the arena was to the Lord. I pray that He has been pleased with us... with each of our families as we have trusted in Him.

As the Saturday conference drew to a close, we were ushed backstage by Michelle Hicks, one of the event coordinators. As we were arriving, Beth Moore followed us in with her daughter Amanda. The time with them was something beautiful as Ms. Beth talked to each of us and then asked us to kneel all together. As she began praying the sobs throughout the room were audible and authentic. If there was ever a time of surrender and giving everything to the Lord, that was it. Ms. Beth prayed a prayer of boldness, courage and strength over us as she, Amanda and Michelle each walked around and laid their hands upon our heads and shoulders. To see someone so strong, so passionate, so ordained by the Lord and so touched by our stories was breathtaking. I know the work she is doing for God's kingdom has been well-received by the Lord Himself.
Sunday came much too quickly and with all the late nights (or maybe I should say early mornings!) we were exhausted, but overflowing with joy and thankfulness. To meet each precious mother and be able to hear about their sweet babies that are now with Maddox completely filled me up. Shockingly, I never felt nervous or afraid of all of us finally meeting... I just knew all along that it was meant to be. I quickly realized that through each other, God has given us a tiny glimpse of Heaven.

To my girls: Yvette, Angie, Kim, Emily, Chrissy, Kristy, and Karen~ Each of you are amazing! Individually you have blessed my life in a way that is unmatched with words. Through your openness, your boldness, your trust, your falling apart, your vulnerability and your falling down at the feet of Jesus in surrender, I HAVE BEEN BLESSED. Each of your babies, Tristan Asher, Poppy Joy, Mary Grace, Miller Grace, Eva Janette, Issac Matthew, Asher Joseph, Jacob Ryan; each of your stories have brought me closer to the Lord and have challenged me to stand with boldness and courage to face tomorrow. Some of you began your walk before I did and some of you have followed behind... but we have all been in this together. Thank you for the blessing of knowing you, seeing your hearts, hearing your words, listening to your prayers and mostly for loving me, my family and my Maddox with everything. I am truly blessed!

"She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come...Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her." - Proverbs 31:25, 28

New Life- It's a...

Boy oh boy... we're having a GIRL!!

We spent a little over an hour this morning at our doctor's appointment. As we walked in I felt overwhelmed with peace, and yet I was still crying as I approached the front desk. As I found my way to the chair next to Dusty I was able to dry my wet eyes and focus on the promises of the Lord, knowing He has a perfect plan for us, whatever that might mean.

They called us back almost immediately and as they spent time looking at each little part of her, Dr. Rowe and the sonographer, Reina, continued to comment on how healthy and strong she looked. They checked the hands, which were open with five straight fingers, unlike sweet Maddox's overlapping fingers. They checked her beautiful heart that they say is perfectly formed and working well. They looked over her head and spine and it was at that point, in asking if they could tell if there were any indications of spina bifida, when the "No, definitely no spina bifida" brought me to tears again. Reina rubbed my leg, grabbed some tissues and simply told me she understood. I was filled with joy in those moments, praising the Lord for His perfect plan in ALL THINGS.

When they finally said girl, about halfway through, Dusty and I just looked at each other and laughed. We've been spending weeks coming up with boy names, sure that this third little one of ours was going to fill our house with more balls, trucks and trains. We are so surprised and yet, so absolutely thrilled!! Reina looked at Dusty and said "Daddy you better get that Visa warmed up..." He laughed with that "oh my goodness she's right" laugh. It was precious and I am so excited to see how my amazing husband will completely melt over a little girl. Just thinking about it makes me smile... and no doubt our Deacon will be such a good and protective big brother. God is so incredibly good and we are so incredibly thankful!

I have continued to think about this pregnancy and all that this means to our family. I have thought about the tears, the shock, the heartache and the pain, which has quickly given way to smiles, laughter, joy and hopefulness. That healing... the joy is what continues to be our testimony to the faithfulness of our Lord and Savior. This little one wouldn't be possible without our big God and without her big brother Maddox and his story... his legacy. Now she will be creating her own as she has already carved out a new piece of my heart... one that can only belong to her.

"Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy. Then it was said among the nations, "The LORD has done great things for them."- Psalm 126:2

**Thank you SO MUCH for all of the prayers for our family... is is abundantly clear that His hand is covering us as we rest in Him!

His Peace & Presence

I'm back from an amazing trip which I'll soon share all about...

Tonight I want to ask you to please be in prayer for us. We have our "big" doctor's appointment tomorrow morning to see our new little one. This is the appointment where less than a year ago we found out shocking news about our little Maddox. Please pray for us... for God's hand to be upon us as we return to that office... for His overwhelming peace and presence... for His purpose and His will... and for this baby to be strong and healthy. We are so grateful for the continued prayers as you lift us up in this time. THANK YOU!

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." - 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Our Story- 5 months

It is hard to sit here and think that only 5 months ago I finally saw the precious face of my second son... my sweet, tiny Maddox. The child that brought overwhelming change to my life. The child that has brought me to my knees in front of my Lord. The child that made me love my family with a fierceness that is indescribeable. The child that made me embrace those who have walked this road. The child that simply asked for a voice and a chance at life.

I was talking the other night to a friend and telling her how through this whole journey, this long road I can see behind us, and the one still in front of us, I wouldn't change a thing. I don't have any regrets about a single thing that played out in our story. I wouldn't take back one bad doctor's appointment, one person telling us things we didn't need to hear, one night of pure agony and grief... because it's ours. This is our story and those frightening and shaky times are what constantly turned our faces back to the Lord. Sometimes it felt like I was sinking, maybe like I was drowning, but it was always the Lord who called out to me with his firm hand and said "take hold of me!" We didn't have a choice in this because He didn't allow it. He proved His faithfulness, His love, His sureness, His promises, and His peace time and time again as He guided our path. And it led to a beautiful, joyful, unbelievably peaceful day on January 23rd, 2008.

It's strange to think that I can say all of this when just 9 months ago we were rocked to our core and shaken beyond what we could have ever thought would allow us to stand again. The doctor's appointment on September 26th that seemed to change the course of my life, I now see for what it truly was... a way for God to reveal His power, mercy and love to so many. It hurt, yes. It was scary, yes. It is our family that bears the scar of losing a child. But it is also our family that has gained so much. We've seen with our eyes and felt with every ounce in us the prayer that has continued to be lifted on our behalf. We have felt the Lord move in ways we can't possibly describe and we actually got to hold a piece of Heaven in our arms. It has been hard, but it has also been beautiful...

He gives beauty for ashes
Strength for fear
Gladness for mourning
Peace for despair

When sorrow seems to surround you
When suffering hangs heavy o'er your head
Know that tomorrow brings wholeness and healing
God knows your need
Just believe what He said

He gives beauty for ashes
Strength for fear
Gladness for mourning
Peace for despair

When what you've done keeps you from moving on
When fear wants to make itself at home in your heart
Know that forgiveness brings wholeness and healing
God knows your need
Just believe what He said

He gives beauty for ashes
Strength for fear
Gladness for mourning
Peace for despair

I once was lost but God has found me
Though I was bound I've been set free
I've been made righteous in His sight
A display of His splendor all can see

He gives beauty for ashes
Strength for fear
Gladness for mourning
Peace for despair

Happy 5 months Maddox! I know you are so happy and being taken such amazing care of... You make us so proud to be your parents! We continue to hear, even now, how your story has changed lives and how you have caused so many to fall on their knees in prayer. That is you baby and we are so thankful that the Lord is allowing us to be used in this beautiful story. Get extra kisses tonight from all those that love you. Deacon says hi and he talks about you often. He has decided that yellow is your favorite color, just like his. I couldn't argue... I just figured a brotherly intuition. We love you sweet boy and we thank God each night for you!

With love and remembrance always,
Mama, Daddy & Deacon

"Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security."- Jeremiah 33:6

Happy Father's Day!

Happy Father's Day to my wonderful husband! I love you so much and am so thankful for all the ways that the Lord continues to bless me through you... I can't imagine walking this road with anyone else. You are an AMAZING father and husband and the way you love us is incredible!

Love you Daddy! Deacon, Maddox & New Baby

Happy Father's Day Dad (Papa Don)! Love you so much and we are so thankful for you!!

Happy Father's Day Grandpa Chuck... We know you are adoring Maddox as you both spend time at Jesus' feet.

Happy Father's Day Grandpa (Grandpa Norm)! Love you greatly!

"I will be his father, and he will be my son. I will never take my love away from him..." 1 Chronicles 17:13

Prayers for the Bailey Family

Sweet friends, I wanted to update quickly as I am still out of town for a few days...

Baby Avery Bailey was born late Monday evening after an induction. He was born to meet his smiling parents and little brother Austin and was able to share his sweet little voice when they heard him cry. He lived about 45 minutes and then went to spend eternity with our Precious Lord.

Please be praying for them as they approach Sunday afternoon and his service. This is such a difficult time and they need to be totally covered in prayer in the days and weeks ahead.

Thank you again for your prayers... Lesa was absolutely amazing to talk to and through both of our tears spoke of answered prayers and feeling His peace. That is through the prayer of so many! THANK YOU!

" 'Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security."- Jeremiah 33:6

Prayers for My Children

Praying for you, Deacon~

Dear Precious Lord, I thank you so much for my firstborn. You have created this beautiful boy with a heart that melts others... and one that already loves you. You have created him with a tenderness and love that brings me great joy. As he grows and learns, he continues to amaze us with his sweet spirit, his quick independence, his tender words and his total dependence on us right now. It is my prayer that soon it will be totally on you! Deacon's fun-loving nature, his ability to love life to the fullest and find enjoyment in little things fill my heart with joy. The way he loves his friends and is so concerned about others at 2 years-old makes me, as his mother, praise you even more!

Thank you Lord for the beautiful way you have put his life, his heart together. And thank you for your understanding, my Great God... for your knowledge of our lives before time began. Thank you for knitting him together inside me, designing him to be so much. Through our precious Deacon you have given me a glimpse of the depth and width of your great love for us. My overwhelming joy in Deacon is a small comparison to your enormous joy in us, your children. In the same way, Deacon's disappointments, fears, outbursts, lack of understanding and tears directly reflect ours when we come to you, standing tall in your face or humbly on our knees, seeking answers, advice, comfort and a promise for the future.

Lord, in some way I know you created Deacon for a time such as this. His life means so much and I know full well you have marvelous things in store for him... And yet, I trust with confidence that a part of who he is is intertwined in this most recent storm in our lives.Thank you for knowing my heart and for knowing what we would need to bring us to dry land.

Undoubtedly, Holy Lord, you have been our refuge and strength and have truly carried us through deep, raging waters that have flooded our earth... In a strange way though, Deacon has been like my ark, my place to "crawl in to." As I have sat huddled with him, tears streaming down my face, somehow he has been the physical manifestation of the ark, while I fully trusted you were guiding our journey and protecting our hearts and lives as the world fell down around us.

My God, my love and my protector, I trust, as you spoke in Genesis 8, that day and night will never cease until your Son returns. That as surely as night falls in our lives, the day, the dawn is poised to come again. You allow us to fully trust you through the days and nights. Help us teach Deacon what it means to fully rely on you through it all; to teach him of your unending love, so that he may experience it firsthand, and to bring him up to be a child that lives only for you.

Thank you for your goodness, your mercy, your grace, your peace, your restoration, your promises, your justice, your joy... and mostly thank you for your Son. It is through Him and his sacrifice that we trust in eternity, and that we are able to fully enjoy our Deacon here with us.

Thank you Lord for my son, my joy... my Deacon.

"Guide me in your truth and teach me, O Lord, for you are God my Savior and my hope is in you all day long."- Psalm 25:5~ Claimed for Deacon Charles Stanfield
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Praying for you, Maddox~

Holy Lord, my God, I praise you for my precious second son. I thank you Lord for the amazing way that you have moved in our lives. My precious Maddox, Lord God, the one that arrived to your arms just 4 short months ago, has change my life. Lord, you know my heart and the longing that was present for this beautiful second child, even before his conception. Only you know the reason he was put together so wonderfully different and never intended to live out hims days on this Earth.

Precious Father, my heart aches for my tiny child... and yet, it rejoices knowing he is with you. Jesus, thank you for loving my child and holding him so tightly... It is because of your sacrifice that I have full confidence that I will one day hold him again... and the next time I do, it will be for eternity.

Merciful One, I look back over the last year and sometimes I can't believe this is my life. I would have never wanted, never wished, never imagined that I would have already given over one of my children to live in your presence... But I can't help but smile and be thankful. Isn't that where we all want to be? Don't we long for Heaven, for our eternal place in your kingdom? I've thought and prayed so many times this last year that you would fill my life with renewed joy and peace, that you would reassure me of your promises. Lord, you have answered my prayers and I continue to stand amazed at your true, steady, loving faithfulness.

Lord, our prayers for Maddox, as he lived here with us and thrived in my womb, were ones of faith, hope and love. We trusted you would answer each prayer as you continued to reveal yourself through scripture, sweet words spoken, the hands and feet of your people, and the prayers of thousands across the world. As we put all our hope in you, you spoke softly but clearly to my heart. We then knew, not with with a complete understanding, but with a sure confidence, what you were saying. When we left the hospital in much the same way we entered, I heard you speaking, "My precious children, Maddox is already with me. You trusted me with your lives and with his, and now you can rest easy knowing he is in My eternal loving care."

There is pain and hurt and longing Lord, to hold my little Maddox again, but you knew that his life, his witness, this testimony was so much more important than our sorrow. You had a plan for us, for him, just as it is written in Jeremiah 29:11. That plan, that kingdom building plan, is still in motion as you use us to tell of Maddox's sweet story and your total faithfulness. For those four hours we saw him and loved him face to face, we knew we were holding a piece of Heaven here on Earth.

Father, I think I must feel a little bit like Hannah in the Bible. Oh our sweet Maddox, how we prayed for you, just as Hannah prayed for her Samuel. Lord, you were faithful and brought him to us, not as we expected, but in many ways so much better than we ever imagined. I'm sure that as Hannah returned to that temple a few short years after she promised to give her son over to you, she did so with love, excited for his life of service dedicated to your kingdom. But I'm also sure she did so with tears steaming down her cheeks and a sadness for her life without Samuel in her presence. It's so similar to how I feel... my great love for my Maddox, but my even greater love for those who still need to know Christ. Maddox is resting in your tender arms, but what does eternity hold for those without you? On that Your word is very clear ...

"There is no one holy like the Lord; there is no one besides you; there is no Rock like our God. ...The Lord brings death and makes alive; he brings down to the grave and raises up." 1 Samuel 2:2,6

Thank you Heavenly Lord, for the the time we had to fully enjoy Maddox. I thank you for the intimate knowledge I have of him and for the beautiful time we shared together. I long to know him more, but I am thankful of your promise to spend that time eternally in Heaven.

Sweet God, hold him tight. Tell him how much we love him, how proud of him we are for his strength and purpose, and that we miss him so greatly! Remind him that he will never be forgotten, that we will never be the same, and that his legacy will live on to bring others to a saving knowledge of you. Thank you for my son, my heart... my Maddox.

We love you our sweet Maddox and can't wait to hold you again one day!

"And now, thus says the LORD, your God, and he who formed you: "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are mine."- Isaiah 43:1- Claimed for Maddox Donald Stanfield
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Praying for you, Little Expectant One~

Oh my Lord God, how you have heard my prayers... I praise you for the miracle of life growing inside my body. Heavenly Father, you heard my cries to you, even before we met Maddox face to face; my cries of love, of anticipated loss, of restoration, and of longing for another child that was intended to stay on Earth. You allowed me to see light and hope glimmering in the dark tunnel we walked and you have again answered my prayers through this little person that you knit together in me.

Jesus, you know my heart and my full trust in you and the plans you have for our family. You also know my head and the way things can slowly creep in and set up residence- the concerns, the questions, and the fear of the unknown. Holy God, please keep these thoughts at bay. Help me to focus solely on you and the promises you have made to those who trust in your name. As I do each day Father, I simply pray that this child growing inside is one that is meant to stay with us. I pray for straight bones, clean blood, a healthy heart, a strong mind and a body that is created to sustain life on Earth.

Lord, as you sustained the Israelites through their 40 years in the desert, I too ask that you sustain us now. These darker times that we have walked are our own wilderness, and yet, just as you never left your chosen people, we know that you haven't left us either. This precious baby is in many ways like Joshua and Caleb seeing the Promised Land from afar. The safe arrival of this baby is still off in the distance and yet... I see it... my promised land.

Dear God, I know there are no guarantees in this life... but I also know that you hear my prayers and know and love me intimately... So I ask you to bring us there. As the Israelites arrived safely to the Promised Land after wandering in the unknown, I ask you to help us arrive safely to December, after this period of wandering through our own unknown. "He has watched over your journey through this vast desert. These forty years the Lord your God has been with you, and you have not lacked anything."- Deuteronomy 2:7

Sweet, Precious Lord, guide me with your gentle hand. I ask that you protect this baby and keep us safely in your arms. Lord, help us and others know of your great love, of your great provision, for each and every life. Jesus, you know our hearts... You know that we will never forget that we already have two precious boys that bring us great joy... one just rests in your arms instead of in ours. Help others to know that Maddox is and will always be part of our family... and just as Deacon talks about his little brother who is with you in Heaven, this expectant one will too know of big brother Maddox... he who paved the way to allow this new miracle in our lives.

Father, I pray for your wisdom and strength as we look forward to the safe arrival of our third child. I ask that your hand be on this baby, that in time our hands may too be on him; to hold, to love and to teach of you and your great faithfulness.

Oh Good and Holy God, thank you for your love for each of us, and especially for this new life that holds so much love in us already.

"I have prayed for this child and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him."- 1 Samuel 1:27

Praying for the Bailey Family

Dear friends and prayer warriors-

I ask you today to please be praying for a precious girl named Lesa and her family. She is expecting her second little boy, Avery, any day now. Avery was diagnosed with Trisomy 18 several months ago and Lesa and I have been keeping in close contact through phone calls and emails. She is such a wonderful mother to their older son Austin and she and her husband have continued to seek the Lord and His will for little Avery's life throughout this journey.

I know this time as they wait is anxious and filled with questions. I would ask you to pray for the Lord's peace upon their hearts and minds, for His joy and love as they meet Avery, and for as much time as our Holy God has ordained for them.

Lesa will be induced on Monday, June 9th if she doesn't go into labor on her own over these next few days. I know they are praying for this to happen on it's own as it seems that on this road there are already so many decisions to make... Please pray friends!

If you are praying for them, please leave a quick comment to tell her so... I know firsthand how much it means!

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer"- Romans 12:12

So Much More

Yesterday was a wonderfully eventful day! For the first time, after months of emails, blog comments, and phone calls, Kim Summons (Mary Grace's mom) and I met. She came from the Dallas area, I came in from Houston and we both met in Austin for the day.

I can't explain how amazing it was to see the face of this precious mother I have connected with so deeply. Her face, her smile, her spirit... it was just as I imagined and yet, so much more.

We had an eventful day as we spent a couple hours talking over lunch and "catching-up" on family and how everything has been going. Then, as we were on our way to check out some of the town, we were rear-ended. We both looked at each other and honestly couldn't believe this was happening to us. Amongst the frustration of waiting for over 2 1/2 hours at a local Whataburger for police to appear, we enjoyed lots of laughter. We decided we must be in that somewhat unlucky, small percentage of people that these things happen to.

After the police spent about 4 minutes with us, we decided we were in great need of some relaxation. We ended up at a nice mall and spent some time getting pedicures as we continued to talk about plans for the future, our sweet babies Maddox and Mary Grace, and the way God has continued to work in our lives.

Several hours later we were off to dinner to spend some more quality time. It is amazing how two little babies that lived such brief lives can connect people like Kim and I for life. As we both imagined, there is so much more we have in common than simply our tiny children in Heaven.

As I got in my car on my way home late last night and looked at the beautiful angel Kim gave me, I couldn't help but thank the Lord for the way He continues to work in my life. He has blessed me with so many wonderful people that have completely surrounded us these past 8 months... But to stand face to face, arms embracing with glistening eyes, with a mommy that truly knows this uncharted water is something just beautiful and something only God could work out.

I am so extremely grateful for this day, for this mommy... for the many mommies that I know that have walked this journey of great love and great loss. I love you each so much and am so blessed for knowing you through our little children.

"If you then know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!"- Luke 11:13