My Reflection

Right now I'm coming to confess that I haven't been myself lately. Or at least I haven't been the self that I would like to think that I am. I seem to be an ugly version of me. My reflection shows an impatient, frustrated, worn-down, tired, and not joyful person. Where did I go?? I'm mad at myself for being this way, and yet I totally know what is wrong. I'm trying to do it all myself. I have been asking God for help, telling Him that I'm reaching my limit and can't do this on my own, and yet, things haven't gotten easier. The funny thing?? I know exactly why. I am still holding on to all of it. I'm asking for help and not giving one ounce of it up.

On Sunday at church I just cried during worship as I thought of all that the Lord has done for us, for our family. I cried because of the ugliness that I saw in my life. I cried because my daughter is such an amazing gift from Him and yet, she is so hard and is challenging me beyond what I ever expected. I cried because if Maddox were here things would undoubtedly be so much harder and yet I'm struggling just as it is. The contradictions I see are astounding.

Do you ever just feel inadequate? So often it seems cyclical and in different seasons of my life I feel like I have a great balance- being a wife, mother, friend, daughter, sister- and then at other times I feel like things are so out-of-whack. Quite simply, this is where I am now. I feel like I'm pouring so much into being the mom that my kids need (and taking care of "domestic" duties) and yet I'm still falling short. It seems to be a negative chain reaction and by time my sweet hubby gets home, I'm spent. Lack of time with him means the whole family balance is off. I just can't find my bearings. And my precious girl... oh my amazingly fun and independent girl... She is so. much. more., in all ways, than what I could have ever imagined. As of late she has been waking up at all hours of the night, for the last two nights crying for almost two hours straight. "If baby doesn't sleep, mama doesn't sleep". You know the drill. So for me to wake up and have any alone time with the Lord is virtually impossible since she is still beating me awake after the two inconsolable hours when I'm also awake hearing her cry. Suddenly, my day gets going, nighttime somehow arrives and I'm left wondering where it all went wrong. Honestly, I'm just tired... and the crazy thing is all the while I know what I'm missing. So where has the Lord gone? Maybe I should re-phrase it... where have I gone? And what am I going to do to fix it?

I certainly know how blessed we are. I could list a thousand ways and more that our Father has blessed, provided, protected and sustained us... and still in the day-to-day I get entangled. Sometimes I feel so deep in the trenches of motherhood that I wonder where the fun, exciting, knowledgeable person I used to be went. I LOVE this job... I wouldn't trade it for any other in the world and crazy as it seems, it didn't even take losing my son to make me realize it. I don't take this for granted. I know God has called me to this place and if it is where HE wants me then HE will provide. He will provide the strength, the wisdom, the joy, the energy, the spirit of fun... all these things I so desperately need right now.

In some ways I wish I was the only one experiencing this right now, but I know that I'm not. Would you pray with me for encouragement for all of us moms out there? Would you ask God to give us the JOY, the wisdom, the rest, and the strength that we are all needing? Would you ask Him to help us to daily turn it all over? It's so hard but the Holy Spirit can't do his work when we don't let go of the reigns.

I'm praying that in the days and weeks to come my reflection would be one of beauty... a beauty that can only come from fully relying on God to sustain each and every day.

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."- Romans 12:12

Birthday Boy

Happy birthday to my precious firstborn!

D, I can't believe that the time has gone by so fast and you are already 4! Each day you continue to amaze your daddy and I as you smile, laugh, investigate, create, build, imagine, play, question and love. You are so awesome with your sister and I love that I can trust you at such a young age to help me care for her... you are literally the center of her world right now. You bring great joy to my heart on those sweet occasions when you remember your brother Maddox and we can talk about all that God has done in our lives and who is waiting for us in Heaven. You definitely own your "master Lego builder" title and can sit for hours dreaming up and creating some amazing things with those tiny little pieces. You still love your cars and trains, but lately you have really loved dressing up like a knight to sword fight, pretending to be Batman or Superman, playing cowboy, or preparing for the NFL. I love seeing your determination, hard work and love for learning. You enjoy playing soccer, baseball, and football, especially with daddy, and it's a blast to watch you grow in your knowledge and love for sports. I am so grateful for our special time at home together and thank the Lord daily for entrusting you to our care... You have set the bar high and we can't wait to see what God has in store for your precious life. Always remember that we love you so much and we are your biggest advocates! You are simply AMAZING!

"Therefore, as God's chosen child, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourself with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience." Lord, help D bear with others and forgive whatever grievances he may have against others. Help him forgive as You have forgiven us. And over all these virtues help him put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.- taken from Colossians 3:12-14

Preschool Help

Calling all moms of preschoolers OR former preschoolers!

I'm working on a project that could use a little input from all you wise moms out there. What were some of the questions you had/asked when you considered enrolling your child in a particular school? What were you looking for in regards to academics, play and extra-curricular? How did you know if a certain school was right for your family and your child? Did any of the schools offer special "perks" for you as parents that were especially appealing?

Can't wait to hear what you think! Thanks for helping me out.

"The wise in heart are called discerning, and pleasant words promote instruction."- Proverbs 16:21

Approaching

Approaching her first birthday...

Today we celebrate 11 months!

"Do you hear what these children are saying?" they asked him. "Yes," replied Jesus, "have you never read, "'From the lips of children and infants you have ordained praise?"- Matthew 21:16

Dedication

Today was Faith Clare's dedication at church and it was sweet, short and pretty much perfect.

What an important day for us as we dedicated her to the Lord... the Lord that blessed us with her. The same Lord that knew every detail of our lives, and hers, and chose her just for us. I felt such joy as we stood at the front of the sanctuary and stated that we were committing to raise her in a home that would teach her of the Lord and the Bible, both by precept and by example, and how to love God entirely. It was a precious time and she did great, even clapping a few times during the joint dedication of 37 children. Just beautiful!

Today was an important day emotionally for me as well. When I stepped into my closet this morning there was no doubt what I would be wearing for this special occasion. The dress has been hanging in my closet since the last time I put it on that Saturday morning, January 26th, 2008. It is the one that I wore to celebrate the brief life of our precious second son and today I was able to wear it in a similar, but very different manner; to celebrate the life of our precious first daughter and symbolically give her over to the Lord as well. Wow... once again, simply beautiful!

"Then it was time for their purification offering, as required by the law of Moses after the birth of a child; so his parents took him to Jerusalem to present him to the Lord."- Luke 2:22

Just One Look

I'd like to say that this day, this 26th of September, doesn't affect me... I'm not there yet. In some ways I would love to stand proudly and say that it doesn't even draw my attention, but only two years out from that life-changing day, I'm still not there. In many ways, I wonder if I will ever be. There seem to be infrequent days that bring me tears, but without a doubt this day and that precious one in January are the two that seem so difficult. In January we physically lost Maddox, but this September day 2007 we confronted a reality we never imagined possible and lost so many dreams we had for our family.

I could have never imagined just two years ago the way we would be changed- how the Lord would truly "break me and pour me out", how I would lose so much but gain infinitely more only in the power and strength of Him. Today is a hard day, but I can't even imagine it without the cross and that beautiful promise of everlasting life.

Below is an article I wrote for Katy Magazine a few months back to be published in their fall issue. It was amazing to be able to write our story and allow others in the community a glimpse into our life, a life of Trisomy 18 and one of hope, joy, and faith, and I thought today would be a perfect day to share it.

(If you visit Katy Magazine, click on Current Issue and go to the bottom where the story is listed- Just One Look.)

I'll leave you with these few amazing lines of In Christ Alone. I heard them this morning and while they always fill me with tremendous joy, they also bring me to tears each time I hear them...

No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
'Till He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand

"Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord. We live by faith, not by sight. We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord. So we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it. For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive what is due him for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad."- 2 Corinthians 5:6-10

**Please pray this morning and the following days for the Anderson Family. This morning is baby Rhyder's Celebration Service and I will be attending. He lived a miraculous 25 days and then went to be with the Lord. His family is confident in his eternity but are desperately missing him.

Speaking LIFE

What an amazing reminder today from a wonderful and gifted Pam Thompson... speaking words of LIFE into our children!

I trust you. You are amazing. You are talented. You are beautiful. You can do it buddy! Keep trying sister, I know you'll get it. You are so smart. You are so creative. I love how your mind works. I love how sweet you are to your sister. I am so impressed with your coloring job. Thank you for being such a BIG helper. That was a great response baby! Good try, let's do it again! Wow, I'm blown away by your kindness. You are such a selfless friend. I care so much for you. You light up my life. You make my heart overflow. God has given you such a sweet spirit. I love how much fun I have with you! Your laughter is infectious. You are such an independent thinker. Great job cleaning up. You did a wonderful job getting dressed and ready this morning. Thank you for being so responsible. I respect you. I greatly value your input. I love watching you grow and learn. God has given you an amazing mind. You are a joy. You are so fast! You can do anything you set your mind to. I love your confidence. I love your determination. I love your work ethic. I love how loyal you are. I love spending time with you. I treasure you. You are such a GIFT to me. You bring such wonderful life to our family! God sure created you special! I LOVE YOU!

So many days I get caught up on all the rules- on the obedience, respect, honesty, loyalty, manners, kind words, gentle spirit, sweet hands, controlled tongue that I forget about the other side of parenting my child. Not that we don't have fun around here because heaven knows we have a blast, but there are times when I do feel like I am constantly "reiterating" the rules. "Obedience first time. Is that respectful? Did you speak with a controlled voice? Are you treating your sister with kindness?..." The list could go on and on. YES, we are called to raise children that honor and respect the Lord and I truly believe without them being able to honor and respect those around them, that will never be first-nature in their relationship with the Lord. However, there are many times when I'm so focused on them "acting right" that I forget to speak the words that truly bring LIFE into their little lives.

We all thrive on kind words, ones from the heart and that are spoken personally and with love. Not one single day goes by that I don't tell my children that I love them, that I don't pray over them, that they shouldn't feel that they are loved. But truth be told, some days I'm distracted. Some days I halfheartedly glace in the direction of the "BIG RED AIRPLANE" that Deacon is pointing out in the sky and respond "uh huh babe, that's awesome" as I continue driving along listening to the radio. Pretty? no. Honest? yes. That's life and we all get busy, overwhelmed, frustrated. But in the midst of life are we speaking those words that truly reach the HEART of our children? I know many days pass without a very intentional word of LIFE spoken into my two babies... and into my husband for that matter. Let's all practice a few words of life... I know it could revolutionize my home. How about yours?

"This is the day that the Lord has made. We will rejoice and be glad in it."- Psalm 118:24

Too close

Too close indeed... to her first birthday! I can't believe she is 10 months old today. This girl just keeps growing, personality mostly and in size just a bit. She LOVES her brother, wants to be with Mama most of the time, and is a snuggling fool with Daddy. She is so kissable, huggable, lovable, UNBELIEVABLE! Thank you, God, for Faith Clare!

"Children are a blessing and a gift from the Lord."- Psalm 127:3

Off to School, Off to School...

Today was Deacon's first day back at Preschool and he was SUPER excited! For the last few days we have been talking about going back~ new friends, new teachers, but the same great school and lots of learning and fun! Last night Deacon and I went shopping for a new "back-to-school" T-shirt and he wanted Superman. He told me then he could be "extra-super"... a super helper and a super listener... Boy, that sounded good to me!! This morning he still wasn't sure why his best buddies Millie and Grant weren't going to be in his class or why Ms. Terri wasn't his teacher so we went over that again in the car on the way there but it all seemed to disappear as we pulled into the parking lot. He jumped out and was ready to go!

He seemed darn relaxed so I wasn't too worried!

Deacon and Mama at assembly before the start of school each morning. Daddy and Faith Clare went as well since it is a BIG family affair for the first day of school!

Listening quietly on the blanket at assembly...

All lined up and ready to go back to class... his friend Nathan is peeking out from behind him.

Deacon did awesome going back and only looked back once, waved real big and said "Bye Mama!" What a big boy... so proud of him. Now what to do with all of this time with Faith Clare. I think we're both going to miss him!

"Guide me in your truth and teach me, O Lord, for you are God my Father and my hope is in you all day long."- Psalm 25:5

Just a Glimpse...

(Georgia~ a precious friend from the hospital that was instrumental in our time with Maddox)

Just a glimpse... of the sweet, precious baby Rhyder and his mama and daddy! Continuing to pray for this wonderful family as they trust in God's plan for their son's life and prepare to take him home from the hospital tomorrow. YAY! We are so excited for the way God has been so real and tangible in their lives. I'm in awe!

As you can imagine, the journey I have shared with this family has been such a huge blessing to me. It has been precious and joyful and wonderful... and it has also brought so many dormant memories to the surface. All of my memories with Maddox are beautiful and intimate, but many are also so filled with sorrow. Being at the hospital, seeing my precious nurses, visiting with our doctor... All of these things are so critical to recognizing how far the Lord has brought us since January of last year and yet, all so very difficult. Tears have continued to reemerge over the past few days- not over wishing Maddox were still here, but for simply missing his presence in my life.

God has revealed a plan for our family like none we could have ever imagined... A story of great love, of a marriage, of commitment to our Father... and one of a first child, of a tragic condition, of a second child, of a loss... and still one of much prayer, much comfort, much healing, and much promise... For without him (and HIM) we wouldn't have her... our precious third child. And somehow I know that none of this could ever be a mistake. What a beautiful peace as we ALL place our very lives in His hands.

"Yet something even greater than friendship is ours. Now that we are at peace with God, we will be saved by his Son's life."- Romans 5:10 (CEV)

Update on Baby Rhyder

Thank you for all the inquiries into how baby Rhyder is doing... I'm sorry I didn't update sooner, but I spent a majority of the day with them at the hospital and only updated my facebook.

All of this to say that, praise GOD, baby Rhyder is doing fantastic! He had a tough go in the beginning, but once they got him on some oxygen he really picked up good color and had a stable heart rate. Mom and Dad were able to spend precious time with him (which most of you know isn't customary with a C-section) and then he was taken down to the NICU for assessment with his daddy by his side.

For the last day and a half he has done well maintaining his body temperature, feeding from a syringe and bottle, and has had wet and poopy diapers. For most newborns this isn't a miraculous feat, but for babies with T18, this is absolutely awesome! Often these sweet ones can't coordinate the suck-swallow-and-breathe pattern, but Rhyder has been able to prevent a feeding tube by proving that he can in fact manage that on his own. Also, many babies with T18 have major kidney and bowel issues so from that stance, he is doing remarkable as well.

Mom and Dad continue to remain optimistic about Rhyder's future, yet are clinging to every moment with him and savoring their precious time! As we know with all T18 babies, each day, each moment is independent of the one before it. There is no promise of tomorrow, but there is also no reason not to take hold of the hope and belief that God will continue to pour out His miracles on this family.

They are surrounded by family and friends and while many of their needs are being met, they can never have enough prayer! Please join me as we praise God for the miracle He has brought forth in baby Rhyder's life, and in prayer as we ask for a longevity for him that far exceeds anyone's expectations. Please also pray for Rhyder's little body that is working hard, for Mom and Dad as they try to get a bit of rest amidst the joy and machines, for Rhyder's big brothers to grasp a love far beyond their years, and for all of us that are personally with them to be an encouragement and to serve them as the hands and feet of Christ.

Thank you for your prayers and I will continue to keep you updated on this precious family!

"You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands."- Isaiah 55:12

Prayer Request

Dear friends, I am asking that you join me in prayer tonight and tomorrow as a sweet family that I have come to know is preparing to welcome their third precious baby boy into the world. His name is Rhyder and he has been diagnosed with Trisomy 18. They are scheduled for a C-section at 7am tomorrow morning and are praying for time with their sweet boy... I ask that you pray that the Lord will keep their hearts protected but fully open to the love and experience of their precious child. Please pray for the fabulous doctor (who also delivered Maddox), the staff, nurses, and all assisting in any care for their family. Please pray for their family and friends as they stand beside them, awaiting a miracle, no matter how the day goes.

My heart is very weighted for them right now... for all the anticipation of finally meeting Rhyder, for the joy that they will experience and for God's perfect will to play out in their lives.

Thank you for lifting up other families as they walk this road!

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give you; I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."- John 14:27

Rekindled Friendship

I love our Lord! Can I just say that again?... I love our Lord!! I love Him for what He has provided for us in times of need, what He has protected in our tender hearts, what He has blessed us with in times of trial, what He has required of us as we walk in faith, what He has sought from us in times of healing... I just LOVE MY GOD! He has sent some of the most amazing people alongside of us in this journey of growing our family and seeking Him... and of all places, Chick-fil-A was the site of another amazing encounter today.

When Dusty and I first got married and moved to Houston we knew no one. I mean NO ONE! We moved into an apartment and thus began our very difficult first year of marriage. Yes, we had dated for years... we'd actually dated in high school and he was truly my first boyfriend at 14 years old... but everything was suddenly so different. New town without friends or family, new marriage, new job, new church, new car... it was all brand-spanking new. From the outside it looked great, but from the inside, we both had a lot of growing to do- together and in the Lord.

We lived in our "luxury" apartment for a few months and began noticing another couple that looked about our age and "status", recently married. We'd say hi to them as we passed in the halls, but we never really got to know each other well... until we both happened to get new puppies. Just like kids, jobs and the like, puppies can bring people together and that is just what Rudy and Scarlet did. We started hanging out every once in a while, taking care of the other pup when someone had to be out of town, and doing dinner occasionally. Suddenly before we knew it, May had arrived and although we loved these new friends, we definitely didn't love the price, location, or roaches in the apartment. We decided to move further south of town but thankfully we all stayed in touch. We even had them down once to our new apartment...

But as it often happens with time and distance, we didn't stay in touch. I have thought of them every now and then since we have moved again and actually it was probably 6 months ago when their names came up in conversation. Dusty and I laughed about Scarlet's first friend... sweet Rudy and his "parents".

Fast forward to lunch today.

A good friend of mine walked into Chick-fil-A with her kids in tow... and not far behind her was a beautiful girl with a precious baby boy, legs wrapped around her waist. She was so familiar yet I had no idea where to place her. While our local Chick-fil-A is normally chaotic at lunch and doesn't offer much sit-and-chat time, today was especially so because it was our Moms @ Second (formally MOPS) Meet and Greet (Y-e-a-h... just think of all the kids). Although I was somewhat distracted with feeding Faith Clare and getting Deacon to finish his fruit, I kept glancing over at this mom. I felt a connection with her, but honestly something else kept drawing my eyes in her direction. I couldn't get past one thing... her precious baby boy. A sweet little guy that I knew in the first instant had Trisomy 21.

As we finished up lunch and began wandering to try and be social, my good friend called me over. She introduced me to her friend and the girl immediately said "I really feel like I know you!" We both threw out places where we could have known one another and then suddenly she said, "Did you live In-town?" The light bulb flashed and I semi-yelled "You're Rudy's mom!" We both started laughing and talking about life 7 years ago and our dogs.

After a few minutes had passed and I looked down at her sweet boy and I said "I wouldn't ask this normally, but... I'm guessing he has Trisomy 21." She said yes and as I looked up, I knew that she knew. I instantly realized that Maddox had come up in the conversation of trying to figure out how she knew me and my friend Kristi had told her a bit of our story. See, Kristi's precious daughter was born the day before Maddox so I always gauge his age by her. In the beginning it was excruciating... now it's just pure joy.

So as I glanced up and looked into this "old" friend's face, the tears had already filled my eyes. There we were in the middle of a crowded, chaotic Chick-fil-A, both with tears streaming as we talked about the stories of our precious babies- one that was sitting there and truly amazing... the other one sitting with the Lord, and also amazing. The beautiful eyes of her 15-month-old baby said it all and I couldn't help but thank God for His awesome timing and divine nature. No, our situations are not the same, but boy, what it is like to be in the presence of another mother who intimately knows so much of your heart simply because she has been there. Her sweet boy is here and mine is not... but we have both experienced fear, joy, worry, gratitude, sorrow, life, and a feeling of lost dreams but deep intimacy with the Lord. It is beautiful to see the way the Lord is using both of our boys' lives for His glory: one as a testimony to healing on this side of eternity, and one to the healing we receive in the presence of God.

My heart is full and thankful... Thankful for this rekindled friendship, for this shared camaraderie, and also for the divine Providence of our faithful God. He is always working and so often in ways that we least expect it! Man, how I LOVE that.

"Before long, the world will not see me anymore, but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live. On that day you will realize that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you. Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me. He who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love him and show myself to him."- John 14:19-21

9 months

Faith Clare turned 9 months yesterday and her personality is in full bloom! This girl is definitely happy, smiley and a snuggler but she also knows very much what she wants, at such an early age! One of her favorite activities is following after her brother and being wherever he is- pulling up on the couch to touch his feet, trying to play trains on the floor with him (which always ends with a wrecked track and slimy wheels), and laughing uncontrollably when he does everything in his power to make her smile. She loves to be tickled, to read books, to give "fives" and to play on the floor. She is crawling all over, pulling up on anything possible, chewing on the closest thing to her mouth (including her fingers...or yours!) and is just figuring out how to wave hello and goodbye.

I would never pretend to tell anyone that she is an "easy" baby... and in about 2 minutes you would discover it for yourself! She is a mover and is constantly on the go. She is rather demanding and definitely lets you know exactly what she does and does not want in her day. She has a high-pitched scream that she uses to express pure joy (SO fun!) and pure disdain (...NOT so awesome) and it literally makes you cover your ears... or at least open the windows in the 100 degree Houston heat to let the sound escape. She is my precious girl... full of life, laughter and fun and she brings us great joy. I pray for her each night that all of these qualities, some fun, some frustrating, will serve her well and help her clearly discern right and wrong and stand up for what she believes. I also pray they will help her find her place in serving the Lord.

Here are her stats:
16lbs 8oz (10%)
28 inches (75%)
FOC 45cm (75-90%)

(Thank you Christa and Angela for the pictures!)

And my Deacon... well, just a little something funny. As the doctor walked in for Faith Clare's appointment, Deacon asked our pediatrician "...I wanted to know- can you come over to our house and play with me??" Our doctor is A.maaa.zing and smiled and said "I would Deacon, but I hate to commit to that because I am soooo busy! What would we do though if I came to your house?" To which his reply was "You'd play trains and cars with me!" There was a short lull as he chuckled and then D piped up, "and my mommy said you have a little boy." He said he did and showed us a picture of his precious 15 month old. D said "hummm, okay... I guess you can bring him too!"


"Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."- Hebrews 11:1